Do you ever have that feeling where you know everything is fine and great in your life but to you it really isn’t? Like your missing something? Or you haven’t yet figured out everything just yet? Or you have so much to do that day you can’t actually be present because all you can think about is everything you have to do and get done that day. But really is it something that you HAVE to do or is it something you, yourself, needs to do because you feel like you HAVE to. Yeah. Me too.
I go through life and feel unfulfilled all the time. I can’t even tell you what I am unfulfilled from. Honestly for the life of me I cannot tell you. I have an amazing boyfriend. I am a “step-mother” to these amazing two kids. We are closing on a gorgeous house on the 22nd of January. I have a job. It’s not a job that I really want or love but it pays my bills so I’m happy that I have because of that aspect. With all of these things, for some reason I feel unfulfilled.
Everyday, the littlest thing could happen that is bad and I mean the littlest thing, and it ruins my whole day. The whole fucking day. My day could be great and someone could just say something that I don’t like and BAM I’m miserable. Why am I like that? Why do I do that to myself? There could be a million great things that happen that day and I chose the one bad thing to focus on.. WTF?! Why? Why do I chose that? Why do I do that to myself? It makes zero sense.
My boyfriend came to me and kind of did a reverse psychology on me. He treated me how I treat him when I get in these “moods”. Man oh man. That sucked. It made me think, do I really act like this? Is it really like this all the time? Is it really this miserable to be with me? HOLY SHIT. Did that hit me really fucking hard. He just kept saying I can’t keep being happy for the both of us. I can’t keep holding us up and being the one to be happy about our life. He said, exact words, “I am happier away from you then I am when I’m with you.” And shit did that kill me. No one should feel that way. To come home and just dread being there because you are so unhappy that you are just bringing everyone down with you. How can someone do that? Especially with kids in the household. Those kids look up to me and love me to pieces and here I am acting miserable all day long, acting like I live the worst life. Why would I do that to them?
Everything he told me was true. It was brutally honest. It was his truth. It was what he is and was feeling. It was what I was bringing on him. It was all so hurtful but all so true. Right there I knew I had to change. I had to do something to make this all better. I don’t want anyone to feel that way. I don’t want to ever make someone miserable because I can’t figure my shit out. What I need to do is figure out what I want. What will fulfill me. What will make me happy day in day out. How I can focus on the million good things that happen that day instead of that one bad thing. How I can communicate successfully instead of bottling it all up until I explode. How I can be a great role model for the kids. How I can help my life instead of just hurt it.
I put all this pressure on myself everyday. I have to be perfect, I have to have a clean house, I have to have dinner done, I have to do things for other people, I have to put myself last and everyone else first. I have to pay for things so I don’t seem ungrateful. All of this I put on myself. When really I do not need to. I don’t need to be perfect. I am human. I have flaws. I have issues, I may never be what people want me to be and I just have to be ok with that. I don’t have to have a clean house. A dirty house has character, it means fun was had. It means we lived, we did living in our house. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE CLEANED. I don’t have to have dinner done. I don’t have to make dinner every night. Eat a frozen pizza, eat left overs, or just make a damn sandwich. Dinner doesn’t need to be a perfect picture every night. I don’t have to do things for other people. I can say NO. I can do my own thing and not have to help people when do they even help me in my time of need? More times than not no they don’t. I help myself. I do everything for myself whether I need help or not. I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF FIRST. I have to start doing what makes me happy. I have to start saying no. I have to start saying what is on my mind even if it isn’t the greatest thing to say.. I have to do what is best for me, and ONLY ME. I need for myself to find my happiness so I can be better, so I can be a great role model, so I can have an amazing family. This year it is about me and ONLY ME.
With all my love,